Hi, I’m Karen. I’m the replacement reindeer for Blitzen in the number 7 slot on Santa’s sleigh. It seems old Blitzen fell of the wagon and nearly crashed the sleigh last Christmas. The job is a bitch, but I’m out of hay. Sometimes ya gotta do stuff to survive.
The other coursers are some snooty ruminants. Rudolph is the worst. Since he got that record deal, he thinks all he needs to do is prance around and look pretty. Prancing is Prancer’s job, but he isn’t very good at it. Dasher and Dancer do the heavy hauling, but they are both dumb as an ox. Two oxen, maybe. It is good that they are good pullers though. I gotta admit, sometimes I leave a little slack in the traces. Santa has put on some weight and those new Nintendos are kinda heavy. This ain’t my Christmas fantasy. Why put myself out?
Santa’s sleigh is an older model. Probably a 648. That makes it what? Thirteen hundred and seventy-six years old! Even if you figure it only gets used one night a year, it has a lot of hard miles on it. The damn thing is hard to pull too. Hell, they started selling streamlined sleighs in 1936. Why do I have to bust my reindeer butt pulling this pile of junk around?
Santa has been milking this Christmas gig for far too long. He sits around loafing while the elves do all the work. He’s got a big mansion at the North Pole with an indoor pool and a three-sleigh garage. Meanwhile we reindeer are out on the frozen tundra trying to forage a measly blade of grass. It’s oligarchs like him who have exploited those who do all the work. We oughta form a union. We got rights!
The route tonight takes us over northern Europe first. The sleigh looks weird with all those alpine skis sticking out. I’ll be glad when we are rid of them. They better leave us some sugar cubes and schnapps! The Italian kids know how to pick reindeer treats. And lots of vino to wash them down. Meanwhile Santa will pig out on pizza and glühwein. That ain’t gonna lighten our load.
After Europe we’ll zip across 4 time zones to get to North America. The Canadian kids all wanted hockey sticks which are damn near as bad as the skis. In the good old USA we finally get rid of all those Nintendos and electronic geehaws. What a bunch of entitled, useless little urchins! The Mexican kids get nothing now that Trump is president. Speak English or go back to where you came from!
By dawn we’ll be on our way back to the Pole. While Rudolph and Santa get all the credit, the rest of us will be bone tired. My only satisfaction will be when that red-nosed elitist gets back to his stall. I stole all his hay and replaced it with a fake Christmas tree.
I saved the best for Santa though. Mrs. Claus will be greeting him with a rolling pin. Someone, I won’t mention who, told her about how much time he spent at that voluptuous Italian model’s villa. Stick that up your fat, uh well you know what I mean Santa.
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