Soapbox: Ugliest Cars Ever

1958 GM Design Disaster

Nobody would call me a coinsurer of automotive design. I’m good with a battered old Ford with the trunk tied down. Still, I have my favorites, and some of these cars come from the design studios of an X-Brand company that some refer to as General Motors. For decades, GM’s Art and Color Design Studio was dominated by Harley Earl. Earl oversaw the design of many breakthrough automotive classics: the ’49 Oldsmobile and Chevy Fastbacks, the sleek and powerful Cadillac Coupes, the ’53 ‘Vette, the Chevy Nomad, the fabulous Tri-Five Chevys….

By 1958, Earl was replaced by an equally talented Bill Mitchell. Before he drove off into the sunset, Earl would make the 1958 GM models his final masterpieces. In my humble opinion, he produced the ugliest batch of cars ever.

As an Eighth Grader, I was appalled when I saw these cars. Compared with GM’s fabulous 1957 models, they looked like beached whales entrapped in chrome fishnets. I stopped going by the Oldsmobile dealer’s showroom in protest. God those cars were ugly! Only the sporty Corvette evaded Harley Earle’s craven design scalpel. Here’s what I saw:

’58 Buick

The massive grille looked like the cabinet knob display at Home Depot. The slab of polished aluminum on the rear fenders was gaudier than a carnival midway. It was so weighed down with unnecessary adornments, that its massive bumpers seemed to drag on the ground. Actually, there was one in my hometown with the new air suspension option. Every night, the air would leak out and the bumpers WOULD drag the ground.

’58 Oldsmobile

Earl gave the ’58 Olds one of his meanest cuts of all. Like the Buick, it was adorned with tons of gaudy chrome. In the front it got an ugly chrome spear pointing backwards to the rear. The slab-sided rear quarters had some horizontal strips, presumably to cover them up. I could not believe that Earl had replaced the swoopy and beloved ’57 Olds with this monstrosity.

’58 Pontiac

I would have been the first to say that the styling of the ’57 Pontiac needed some help, just not like what Earl did to it. It got a massive scallop on its rear quarters. Well at least it didn’t look as bad as the Buick and the Olds in that area. Then he started painting the scallop in two tone colors. That really made its ugliness stand out. One of my Dad’s friends left one in our yard once. My Mom asked if it were for sale. I told her I wouldn’t ride in it.

’58 Chevy

Perhaps the cruelest thing in Harley Earl’s toolbox was the redesign of the America’s favorite car, the Tri-Five (1955-57) Chevy. This classic design had won the heart of all America. Guys raced them, Mom’s with lead feet loved them. You saw them everywhere, at the school, at the drive-in, they were ubiquitous. Sixty years later kids still want one as their first car.

The Butchers of clay at Earl’s studio destroyed the Chevy’s spare, clean, functional lines. The ’58 sat lower on its new suspension and perimeter frame, but that’s where the improvements ended. It had spears running down the side as if to stab the heart of every Chevy lover. Random hashmarks and a grille borrowed from someone’s new barbeque were among its unnecessary baubles. Chevy stole the rear quarter scallops from the Pontiac, but at least they were a bit smaller. A schizophrenic designed the taillights. Some cars got one, some got two, while the Impala got three. The more taillights you wanted, the more you paid. Everyone hung on to their Tri-Fives.

Though I Initially hated all of the ’58 Chevys, in later years I came to begrudgingly like the Impala. That may have had something to do with its starring role in the movie, American Graffiti.

’58 Cameo Pickup

Harley Earl’s malice did not stop with ruining all of GM’s cars. He also attacked GM’s one and only stylish truck with a vengeance. Chevy’s customized ’57 Cameo pickup was truly a work of art. He kept the elegant fiberglass bed, but the new front end was unrecognizable. It looked like some farmer’s truck coming at you.

All GM cars had to be re-deigned for 1959. Most looked much better than their ’58 counterparts. The Cadillac, however, stayed ugly. My personal favorite was the new 1959 Chevy El Camino.